When my phone buzzed and I saw it was my 12-year-old great-niece calling, I picked up immediately. Maybe she wants to schedule time to work on an art project or go to a play together? Maybe she needs me to buy some leftover Girl Scout cookies?
“Can you help me with a school project?” Emma asked in a rush.
“Were you just outside running or doing jumping jacks?” I asked. She sounded out of breath.
“No, I just have to get to this assignment.”
All students in Emma’s sixth-grade class are tasked with a “Grit and Resilience” project in which they interview an adult about how they overcame something challenging. Her cousin Noah had called me two years before with the same assignment, so I was familiar with it. What an honor to be asked at all, let alone twice!
A week or so later, Emma sat across from me at my kitchen table, a clipboard holding some carefully prepared papers in front of her. With a yellow number 2 pencil at the ready, Emma started off with a few “warm up” questions, such as where I grew up (Michigan) and what was the first car I drove (a rusty, brown Ford Pinto).
Then she asked if there had ever been anything really difficult in my life. I told her about being bullied as a teenager. Not wanting to overwhelm her, I left out some of the details, such as specifically what words were used. (I also decided not to mention any of the family challenges outlined in my book, The House That Resilience Built.) I told her I was called horrible names in crowded hallways and how I wanted to hide or disappear into a crack in the wall. “At the time I didn’t know I could have gone to a teacher or vice principal for help,” I explained. “All I knew was to ignore it and hope and pray it would stop.”
Emma’s facial expression was open and encouraging, and her eyes were soft and kind. As I talked about what I had endured, I could see that it registered, and I sensed her empathy.
She asked what I did to make it through the tough times. “I became very involved in theater, which I still have a great passion for,” I said. “And I leaned into my friends. I didn’t tell them what was going on, but their company provided comfort. The good times and laughter helped.”
Next, Emma asked if there is anything I know now that I wish I would have known then. “Now I know that bullies themselves need help,” I explained. They’re mean because someone was or is mean to them, and their behavior is a cry for help.”
“Do you wish you would have done anything differently?”
“I wish I had gone to an adult for help,” I said. “I wish I had known I could do that.” I encouraged her to tell her classmates not to bully, to call others out if they’re bullying others, to report bullying to adults, and to reach out to students who have been bullied.
Then she asked how I am affected now by the bullying. That’s when, much to my surprise, I choked up. “I’m fine,” I reassured her right away, feeling worried she might think she had upset me or done something wrong. “It’s just that there’s still pain, and your kindness helps me release just a little bit more of it, which is a good thing. I wish these things didn’t happen to anyone. But I’m okay now. The good news is all the hard stuff set me up to become a good therapist, as I have compassion for other people.”
My tears took me by surprise! I’ve been in therapy much of my adult life. I’d even written a whole book about childhood trauma and resilience. I’d helped Emma’s older cousin with the same assignment a few short years before without crying (although that conversation was briefer and occurred over the phone). Given those facts, I didn’t expect to be brought to tears at all, let alone by a 12-year-old. It’s humbling, and I am reminded not to underestimate youth. A kind, attuned listener touches our hearts deeply, regardless of their age—or ours.
Once I was more collected, I told Emma, “You’ve always shown a keen interest in and asked great questions of others, ever since you were very young.” I told her not to let any uncle tell her what to do—she ought to follow her own passions—but with her astute listening skills and compassion, I could see her becoming a journalist or therapist one day if she chooses.
I’m still astounded. A sixth grader came to me for help with a school assignment. She ended up helping me. Mr. Rogers told us to look for the helpers. Maybe there’s a 12-year-old medicine woman in your family, too.
PHOTO: Grit and Resilience Project by “Emma”
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THE HOUSE THAT RESILIENCE BUILT UPDATE
I’m honored and humbled to report that we’re up to 5.0 stars with 28 The House That Resilience Built reviews on Amazon, and 14 reviews on Goodreads (5.0 stars). Wow. I am honored and humbled. Thank you for helping me get here. To maximize the algorithms, a minimum of 25 reviews is needed on each platform. That means I need at least 11 more on Goodreads, and the more the merrier on Amazon.
If you have read The House That Resilience Built and like it, please write a review on both Amazon.com and Goodreads. Don’t overthink it. Just a few sentences of honest appraisal would be great. Bonus points for adding a photo to your Amazon review, and be sure to hit the “Like” button for others’ reviews. MAJOR bonus points for adding in a photo. THANKS again!
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THE HOUSE THAT RESILIENCE BUILT IN THE MEDIA
All times Central
Wednesday, July 15, 9:20 a.m. CBS/WCCO-TV Relationship Reboot: How to Respond if Someone You Care About Reveals They Are a Trauma Survivor
Coming soon: Instagram Live with NYT Bestselling Rabbi Steve Leder
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EVENTS
Wednesday, September 16, 7:00 p.m.
THE HEART OF HEALING: TRAUMA IS NOT THE END OF THE STORY
Magers and Quinn Booksellers
3038 Hennepin Ave., Minneapolis, MN
January 21, 2027, 2:00 p.m.
THE HOUSE THAT RESILIENCE BUILT
Palm Desert Library
73300 Fred Waring Drive
Palm Desert, CA 92260
On Demand:
An On-Demand, 3-hour Workshop for Healing Professionals Sponsored by Minnesota Psychological Association
CEUs available
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RECENT PODCAST APPEARANCES
The Downright Upright with Philip Anthony
Connections with Laurie Fitz AM950 Radio Live from Twin Cities Pride
Links coming soon
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ON MY SHELVES
FICTION:
Just finished The Borrowed Life of Frederick Fife by Anna Johnston. The perfect light summer read. Sweet, funny, heartwarming, and uplifting. Just what I needed after the heaviness of The Emperor of Gladness.
Recently Read: The Emperor of Gladness by Ocean Vuong. Gosh I have mixed feelings about this book. Trust me, I wanted to like it. In ways I did. It’s beautifully well written—the author describes the everyday experience poetically—and I read in part to be exposed to others’ experiences (read: to increase my empathy, which certainly happened here). Yet overall, I found the book, well, depressing. I almost stopped reading it several times. I would love to hear your reactions if you read it.
Recently Read: Food Person by Adam D. Roberts. A light and funny summer read. Delightful, distinct characters, smart writing, a few unexpected twists and turns. A satisfying dessert.
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Thank you for reading.
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Tom Glaser is a master’s-level licensed psychologist and Amazon best-selling author of The House That Resilience Built: A Psychologist’s Approach to Healing Childhood Trama. He has appeared on more than 100 podcasts promoting happiness and resilience. His first book, Full Heart Living: Conversations with the Happiest People I Know, also an Amazon bestseller, gave rise to a live performance piece and documentary. He and his husband divide their time between Minneapolis and Palm Springs.
FIND OUT MORE here:
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Written with 100% Human Intelligence
Tom, it says everything about you that your great-niece calls you for a school assignment.
I love this so much! I don't know your great-niece but I adore her! It gives me great hope to see the level of empathy in powerfully present children like her. The effect her listening had on you feels almost mystical to me, and I am so grateful you shared the experience with us. I need these stories right now, at a time when empathy seems hard to find. Thank you, dear one!